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Beauty In My Brokeness

I’m from a deeply broken family and believe it’s kind of a generational brokenness, but to cut long story short my dad always told me I’d never amount to anything and that I’m too stupid to be in school. He would always tell me that school is not for me and I believed him so much that I dreaded school. Waking up to go to school daily was the worst mission for me. During exams I would just write my name and answer question 1 and submit my exam paper. As a result, in Grade 12 for my final year mark, I obtained an 8% for Accounting. 

I had one teacher, Mrs Prinsloo, who believed in me so much that I starting developing an interest in Science, Biology, Art and Afrikaans. I would score only 80’s and nothing less than that. 

I met Mrs Prinsloo (who is a prayer warrior) when I decided to study Cosmetology in 2015. The modules were intense and I aced them so well, but my Dad said I should study something with more weight, excusing the fact that I was getting distinctions in a course I loved. He still broke me down and said to me that while studying was ok, I was still a dummy and that my brain could only handle a little. My prayer warrior would always cancel what my Dad said with God’s truth and that would encourage me so much, that I’d perform beautifully! 

In February this year, I received a call from my Granny telling me that my Dad is on his deathbed, and he could die anytime. My gran told me I should go see him and I refused. I said: “He doesn’t deserve my presence. I’m not driving all the way to Mpumalanga just to get there, to be told I’m stupid, and that I’ll never amount to anything!” But God spoke to me, pressed on my heart and said ‘Go’. I kind of argued with God, saying to Him: “You know exactly how much this person hurt me, yet You telling me to go to him. He does not deserve Grace and my forgiveness!

And God said to me: “Did you?” 

And so I went. He was busy dying. The doctors diagnosed him with stomach Tuberculosis and said he wont make it till end of February. God told me to hold him and pray for him, so I called Kgotso, my husband, as he was in the car. We prayed for him and at the end I asked him if he wants to received Jesus as his Lord and Savior, and he said YES! He wept so hard, Kgotso and I hugged him and said to him: “YOU WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE, do you believe that?” He said yes. 

My dad was a firm believer of ancestors and the dark world, so much so that when I got saved, he really fought against that. Today he is alive and healed, and the doctors have no idea how it happened!! I forgave him and told him I love him, but that God loves him more! We have a good relationship now.

Mother’s day is a very emotional time for me. 12 years ago I was gang raped and I woke up in hospital with the doctor looking at me, filled with tears in her eyes, as she had to tell me that I need to schedule an appointment to have my womb removed, as it was too scarred and damaged from the rape. She also said that if I didn’t take my womb out, it could develop into cancer or other diseases. She told me I should forget completely about having children, and that I wouldn’t be able to carry kids as my womb was deeply infected and scarred. I was too furious to even answer her. I just told her to sign my documents and discharge me. I just wanted to be alone, and so I never scheduled an appointment to have the operation. 

I got saved 2 years later and I believe Jesus mended my damaged womb. Today, Jesus has restored me and blessed me with 3 children, who mean the world to me. Children who are so passionate about Jesus and Church.

Lastly I just want to thank our Ps Tara McCauley for her beautiful heart. Every time she preaches, I literally hear God. I always feel like our Father is talking directly to me. She is so bold, yet gentle and her words always touches my heart, sharing the Father’s heart with us. She has been nothing but a blessing in my life.

I have been inspired to write a book titled “Beauty in my Brokenness” and now I also have a deep interest in helping abused girls in school, as well as women.

Liefs,

Phindy

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