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Beauty in my Brokeness

I used to think the gospel can only be shared from a pulpit until I realized that sharing the gospel is simply testifying of what the Lord has done for you. This is what the man in Mark 5 did after Jesus delivered him from a legion of demons. When Jesus was about to depart from that region, the man who had been possessed with demons begged to come with but Jesus told him to rather go home to his friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for him (see Mark 5:1-20). That is what I hope to achieve through this blog; tell you how much the Lord has done for me!

I was born in the rural areas of Dennilton under extremely poor conditions. My grandma, who lived in Tembisa township, decided to take in my older sister and I, in the hope of giving us a better future. Unfortunately, it was in this environment that I experienced deep pain and brokenness.

The saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never break me” could not be further from the truth. The Word of God says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” – Ephesians 4:19. Out of all the abuse I have been through, hurtful words broke me the most. I was belittled, spoke down to and said that I would never amount to anything. When you hear something often enough, you begin to believe it. My life spiraled out of control and my performance at school dropped. I began making poor lifestyle choices and I got addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, and wild partying.   

On the 9th of August 2007, I was gang-raped with a gun to my head. Police arrived on the scene and took me to the station for a statement. They called my gran and told her about the rape. At the hospital, the doctor said my womb had too many scars and as a result, I could not carry any children. She advised that I have my womb taken out because I was at risk of contracting cancer, but I refused.

During this time, my sister constantly begged me to come to church with her, but I would always avoid that conversation. One Sunday morning, I had an encounter with God. I felt Abba calling me to Himself.  My sister was surprised to find me dressed and ready for church. That day, I received Jesus as Lord and Savior of my life. We were disowned because of our decision to follow Jesus. Food, toiletries, and sanitary pads were no longer bought for us because of this. One of our neighbors, who attended the church, supported us through this difficult time.

As a young girl, you expect your mother to be loving and caring. You long to hear words that build you up and make you feel like a princess. I had an expectation on my grandmother and mother to fill my love tank. I did not know that the only person who can fill that tank is Jesus. He speaks words of grace and love over me. I am not who others say I am. Only my Abba, who knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb, truly knows me. Jeremiah 1:5 – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart”.

When I found my identity in Christ as a beloved daughter, I felt God soften my heart. I used to believe being angry and bitter towards them kept them bound. I did not know that it actually kept me in bondage. As I drew on God’s love for me, I began feeling compassion and care for them. I wanted to forgive them because God had freely forgiven me.

I have come to accept that they gave all they could give, but only God can fulfill me. Today, God is restoring our relationships and I am expectant for what the future holds. 

Not only is God restoring my family relationships, today I am a mother of TWO, soon to be THREE, beautiful children. God gave me a Godly, loving, intelligent and sweet husband. There is a grace over our family, and it gives me joy to see them participate in what God is doing at Redemption Church. Before I heard about the Gospel of Grace, my posture towards God was demand orientated. I felt like I needed to pay God back for all He has done for me. I did not know that Jesus came to serve, and that it gives the Father pleasure to give me His Kingdom.

The beauty in my brokenness is that I now get to minister to women who have been through similar experiences. I get to help them in their journey to recovery by pointing them to the One who healed my deepest scars. Your past, no matter how dark it is, does not have to define you, “because where sins abounds, grace abounds much more” – Romans 5:20.  

Love,

Phindile

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